Panem et Circuses

I am having a hard time finding a place to begin and so many things have happened. So many things that are discouraging, heartbreaking and just plain scary.

We went to mediation last Friday and for over 2 hours went point by point and made some progress. We left the courthouse feeling like steps forward were being made. I had hope in this whole mess.

Fast forward to today, and after hearing from some of the people that were at mediation or had to act because of it, to get a grasp on what progress they were making I learned that what was agreed upon has not happened. Except, of course, the continuous hoop jumping I will need to do. The document that we all signed is not being followed at all. I even was told that if I actually keep the complaint of one of the people that is authorized to supervise my visitation that my visit would be cancelled if she were the only one available for that day.

My complaint? The report she submitted from the one visit she supervised was very wrong. Everything I said or did was taken out of context and a negative spin and connotations were implied throughout the whole thing. But, I am NOT about to be denied my court ordered visits with my daughters. So I told the person who is in charge of this that I would take whoever was available, but I don't like being lied about or to. I am not going to have my right to my visits withheld by a veiled threat.

So, basically I feel like I am supposed to shut up, not complain about anything said about me or done to me, comply with every demand and smile about it. Or my hand will be slapped and my children will be dangled in front of me as a medium to force my mouth shut.

I have done everything asked of me. I haven't missed any appointments, mediation, court hearing, UA or eye scan, counseling appointment, assessments. I have done and showed up for everything demanded and still I am a target for this avalanche of negativity and defamation, the changing of mediation documents after they have already been signed, being told I may be denied my visits if I really want to hold up my complaint about reports, or if I have anything to say my proverbial hand will be slapped until my voice or any self-defense is silenced. I am to be a voiceless drone.

I am to forget the messages left to various people and agencies answered days later or unanswered completely.

And now this blog has been pointed out to them. I wish that wasn't the case; this was a somewhat safe place for me to have my voice, to be heard without them getting some other thing to spin to use against me. But, alas, this is the Internet and it is free domain for all. And yet I still blog knowing this. Because it is what needs to be done, it needs to be known, it needs to be documented somewhere the truth about this whole situation in all its awesome glory.

The simple truth is I want my girls back. I want them back home where they belong. I am a good mother and I will keep fighting for them. That will never change.

I miss my children so much it's as though all the oxygen has been sucked from me and I can't breathe. But, it seems through this process that I have no rights. They make the rules and follow them whenever they see fit. While I adhere to every single thing they want from me, they want more.

It's like anything it takes to break me and shut me up, and they have the most powerful, dearest beings on my life to achieve this. They have my children. And they will dangle them like carrots, just out of reach to get me to break, shut me up and keep me plowing.

Someone told me to play their "game" and get my children back home sooner that way. However, last night I realized that I am not even at the players table. I am not a player in it. I AM the "game", and it's a very lucrative one for them.

I recently came across a term that smacks of what this is all about: "Panem et Circuses." It is from Roman rimes and is Latin for "Bread and Circuses."

"Bread and circuses is a phrase now used to deplore a population so distracted with entertainment and personal pleasures (sometimes by design of those in power) that they no longer value civic cities and bow to civil authority  unquestioned obedience. Bread and Circuses has also become a general term for government policies that seek short-term solutions to public unrest." ~ www.thomasjamesmartsin.com

How I interpret this to my situation? "We get paid to make and watch you dance."

To my favorite Mariella - I am so sorry I will not be there this time to see you off to your first day of school Monday morning. No pictures this year, but hopefully your dad will take some of you and your sister. I know you are excited about your new adventure in 3rd grade. I still can't believe it, just like I can't believe you will be 9 in a few short months. Just know I will be thinking of you and my heart will be with you both, as I do and as it is every day I draw breath. I love you so very much.
To my favorite Maddie: I am so sorry that I will miss your very first day of 1st grade. You have been waiting so long for this day, asking me when you will be in "all day school" like your big sister. When will you get to have lunch at school like her? Well, Monday is your day, my sweet girl. Please enjoy every moment and start your new journey with that heart-winning smile of yours. I love you with all I am.
To my favorite Searlait: I am so sorry that I will miss Monday with you. Where your sisters will go off to school and you and I find all kinds of things to read, listen/dance and sing to. I will miss that so very much. I love you, my precious baby girl.

I miss you guys so very much.

To my readers, light and much love to you all.